Improving Emotional Intelligence in an Era of Masks

You’ve probably heard statistics that just 7% of what we retain from a conversation is based on words, 38% on tone of voice, and 55% on body language.  Recently I’ve been thinking about emotional intelligence or “EQ” when we’re all behind (literal) masks.  When you can’t see a colleague’s full facial expressions, or can only see a Starbucks barista’s eyes, how accurately are you able to interpret and understand how they’re feeling?

There’s a quick assessment I learned about last year in an emotional intelligence program conducted by Courtney Wylie and Shannon Callahan.  You can complete the same assessment online and at no charge by clicking here.  Basically, it gives you a series of photos of eyes, and you pick the emotion you think is being expressed.  Then you find out your score relative to others.

Once you’ve completed the assessment, here are a few strategies to consider if you would like to become better at interpreting emotions when people are wearing face masks.  I assembled this list by focusing on three of the sixteen components of socio-emotional functioning assessed by the EQ-I 2.0, a scientifically normed assessment tool we often use with our one-on-one and mastermind clients and with corporate teams.

The element of emotional self-awareness is a good place to start.  It is defined in The EQ Edge as “the ability to recognize your feelings, differentiate between them, know why you are feeling these feelings, and recognize the impact your feelings have on others around you.”  For our purposes, though, emotional self-awareness can help you understand the feelings and emotions of others better, because, as The EQ Edge explains, it’s the “foundation on which most of the other elements of emotional intelligence are built.”  Importantly, “what we are unaware of we cannot change, and self-awareness is the first step in modifying our otherwise alienating behaviors” because without it, we won’t build successful relationships, will weaken our ability to empathize with others, and will have difficulty communicating.

Getting in touch with your feelings and the things that can trigger them is a first step, if for no other reason than if you don’t know how you’re feeling, you can’t change it.  In our group corporate coaching sessions, we often help participants get in touch with their feelings by using tools to provide the language people may need to be able to go beyond the surface-level standbys of “tired,” “stressed,” and “fine.”

Another easy strategy is to start journaling to get more in touch with your feelings and emotions. Simply answering the question “how are you feeling today?” can be useful, if you go beyond the surface, and you can do this by setting up an automatic email to yourself asking this question, or by using a physical journal or journaling app.

Second, empathy can help.  Empathy (sometimes called “primal empathy”) describes the aspect of emotional intelligence that determines how well you sense and take into account other people’s feelings.  When you can’t rely on one method (like seeing a person’s full face) to sense the other person’s feelings, you can use other methods to fill in the holes.  In particular, active and engaged listening can become even more important.  That can be difficult, though, if a mask is making it harder for you to hear the other person or sense their tone of voice.

One strategy to aid listening seems obvious but is uncommon — you can ask how the other person is feeling, and truly listen to their answer.

Another strategy to engage your empathy and overcome the separation of masks is to engage on a personal level.  Take time to go beyond “how are you today?” and ask other questions like how are you managing in these difficult days?  How has the pandemic impacted you?  How has your department responded to issues of racial inequality?  What are you looking forward to this weekend?  Whether the questions are meaty and important or more focused on the inconsequential, asking questions and truly listening will help you to get more in touch with the other person’s emotions.

You can also work on your empathy by watching television and assessing what emotions people you see there might be feeling.  When you see a news reporter, for example, wearing a mask and discussing a sad story, do they look sad?  You can even do this with family members, by freezing the screen and asking “what do you think he’s thinking right now?” and discussing it.

The third element of emotional intelligence to consider as you encounter people wearing masks is emotional expression, or being able to share your authentic feelings and emotions, both verbally and non-verbally.  A disconnect between emotional self-awareness and emotional expression can come across as inauthentic, and your eyes can easily give you away.  Concentrating on your own facial expressions and how you are expressing your emotions can help you express your feelings.

Let me give an example.  I used to see the same man every night when I left my office.  And every night, I gave him a friendly but professional smile.  Or thought I did.  I never understood when he merely nodded and never smiled back.  Then one night I happened to see my reflection in a window.  Let’s just say I did not look like I was smiling.  I looked like I was in some stomach distress.  Horrified, I went to a mirror and double checked.  Nope, it wasn’t the window—I looked like I was in pain.  What does this mean for you?  Put on a mask, stand in front of a mirror, and smile, frown, express surprise, etc. and see how you look.  Getting more curious and in touch with your own emotions and how you’re expressing them can be helpful to understanding them better.  And when you understand how your emotions are being expressed, it can be helpful in understanding other people’s emotions.

Another tactic is to watch videos (ideally of people wearing masks) with the sound off.  What do you think the person in the video is expressing?  Rewatch the video with the sound on, and then ask yourself whether your assumption is consistent with what they’re saying.  Look at how others are reacting and interacting.  Are they getting their point across?

Finally, tape yourself speaking with a mask on.  Look at your tone, your pacing, and how you are coming across.  Is it the way you intend to come across?  (You may need to enlist a trusted friend – or even an outspoken child – for this.)

Masks can make communication more difficult, but focusing on your emotional self-awareness, empathy, and emotional expression can help.

And remember that, even with their drawbacks, communicating with masks on (unlike Zoom) at least avoids having to say “You’re on mute!”  

Amy M. Gardner is a certified professional coach with Apochromatik specializing in career and career transition coaching.  Amy is a former Big Law associate, partner at a mid-size law firm, and dean of students at a top 5 law school. Today she works with lawyers and other high-achieving professionals to build the career and life they want. Contact Amy directly at amy@apochromatik.com.